I will be happy soon♥
I am constantly torn between wanting to improve myself and wanting to destroy myself.
― (via iamnotthesociopath)

Ill try and cut this short
On my weekend leave from inpatient, i went to a cafe with mummy, and she said i should get a snack with my cup of tea, cause she was pekish and wanted a slice of cake. So i decided to challange a white choc chip cookie. As soon as i handed it to her in the que my heart was RACING and my anxieties were so so off the scale. I was terrified. I could see people looking at me and i couldnt stop thinking about the fat in the cookie and the calories. And i was panicing so much that my ED actually took control and grabbed the cookie off the tray turned it over and automaticly checked the calories. My mum tried to grab it off me so i couldnt see but i saw there was almost 400cal in it (which is usually the same as a snack in the hospital so i dunno why i freaked) and i said i cant do it and put it back. So mum got mad and put her cake back and left. When we got to the car i burst into tears. I had upset my mum and myself and i was just so angry and disapointed in myself, why couldnt i have just eaten the damn cookie. Nothing bad woukd have happend. But i was too scared and the ED took over. My mum was understanding and reasuring but i was just in floods of tears. What if i can never ever ever eat cookies or cake at a cafe again? What if this disorder controls me forever. I thought id done so well, but apparently not, as i still cant handle a couple hundred calories. Im so disapointed in myself for not just eating it.
When will i be free? Will i ever be free of this stupid calorie counting obsessed eating disorder!